My first experience with panic and anxiety was at the age of 19. I lost my 16 year old cousin who was my best friend from an aneurysm. For years I couldn't visit hospitals and I worried about the same thing happening to me and this on top of grief was awful.
The attacks diminished for a period of years from age 25 to early 30's. The spring and summer of 1987 was the worst and best times of my life. My mother died in May, my 3rd child was born in August and my grandmother died in September. So through grief and happiness in November, I was home with the baby and we had a tornado warning, which in Alabama, is not unusual and I have always been extremely terrified of these storms. Just how scared was I ....if I heard there were Tornadoes in Mississippi, I was already afraid in Alabama a day or two before. That afternoon before my other two children were home from school, a tree was blown onto our driveway in a severe storm. Within a few days the panic attacks returned.
I read various articles at that time and I learned that recurring attacks come from association. I also went to a doctor who actually listened and discovered that I had thyroid issues and finally got relief from major panic attacks. The association made sense to me because if I had a panic attack in a certain place, IE., restaurant, certain road, hospital and I returned to those places, I would have an attack.
My reason for bringing this up is I have begun with panic and anxiety attacks again, following a stay in the hospital in September 2014 where I experienced seizures. They ran so many tests and never came up with a reason why this happened. I fell in the hospital when I had the first seizure and had a compound fracture of T8 and was put in a brace. That has healed, but the panic is worse. I'm so afraid this will happen again. Also, I have Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) which only exacerbates all symptoms.
I don't like to talk on phone anymore, because one of the symptoms I had before seizure happened was speaking problem and my right arm went limp. So RA symptoms just become hard to realize they are not seizure symptoms. I cry a lot and hate the fact that my husband and granddaughter have to look after me so much. I am such a burden.
I get tingling in my arms and fingers and in my tongue and that makes we worry about what is going to happen....is it an RA symptom or seizure. When I'm alone it is much worse because I am so scared.
I have isolated myself from my friends because I don't want to burden them and they are all scattered
across the country. I can't travel to see them and it's hard for them to get away from their families, so
I just wallow in silence and self pity. I wish I could just go to a coffee shop, take my crocheting or
my ipad and enjoy myself, but I can't. I am now using a walker and I'm so scared of a seizure, I can't function.
My doctor has prescribed another medication for anxiety and I haven't started taking it yet because I am so scared of how I will react to it. I am on Ativan now which seems to help some. He has tried me on a couple meds in the past few months and they made me feel funny so I quit taking them. I was actually waiting to take this new one after I have an appointment with a Psychologist and finding out if my insurance will pay for it.
All about me...
When you are reading a really good book and you have 3 pages left and you get that glorious feeling for the great ending of the book....then all of a sudden a cringe and a sinking spell...oh no what will I read now?
Life is like reading a good book. When you experience an incident that you feel is life threatening and you are so scared, it really IS all about me.
Listen to the song of life...Katharine Hepburn
Katharine Hepburn was such a strong woman and it didn't happen to her overnight. Her parents were her influence, her father a doctor and her mother an early supporter of women's suffrage and Kate discovering her brother's body after he committed suicide. (Her parents denied it was suicide and claimed it was an experiment gone wrong.). She had a long, successful life and seemed to have a wonderful attitude. Now of course I didn't know the lady, but that's my opinion and I do have a lot of those.
My point to this burst of blubbering is, it IS about ME. Since my trip to the hospital in September 2014 and hospitalization, I have experienced the worst round of anxiety ever. I guess because of the nature of having seizures, which I have never had and they scared me so badly, I just can't stop
thinking about having more.
Because of the seizure, I fell in the hospital and had a compression fracture in my back and wore a
brace for two months. I gained 25 lbs on top of that so I was a total sobbing glob. My primary care doctor has tried several anti depressants that just made me have the shakes, so I won't take them. He put me on Ativan and it has helped a lot. He also sent me to a Psycologist and she has been wonderful. I still don't get out much, but I'm not using the walker right now and RA is always with me, so I'm still a work in progress. My Rheumatologist put me on an anti seizure drug and I am scared of taking drugs which really sucks because of all RA mess I take already.
I still cry and feel sorry for myself because I feel like I lost so much of the old me. Pain and Prednisone don't make a nice person. Not a good combo, but I have to live with it. I must say that I have the best husband in the world. I don't know how he stands me most days, but we still laugh and that counts for a lot. He definitely has an express pass to Heaven.
Next, kudos to my precious oldest grandchild. She has lived with us for the last three years and has been a blessing. Not only is she beautiful inside and out, she has the biggest heart. She has taken care of me, which I am so grateful to her for and we always laugh.
Now it's Liz's turn. You are my precious baby girl. You have shown what you are made of in all of life's trials and tribulations and have handled more than your share. We laugh together, play together, fix everything together, watch all the trash TV shows together, love each other more, get mad together, yell together, cry together, eat together, fuss together, shop together, and create together. She is pregnant with her first baby and I am so excited. She will be a terrific mother, much better than I.
This all brings me back to ME. I want to be there for her and I'm so scared about traveling to Texas.
I mean let's face it, it's hard to leave my house to go to the doctor. I'm not trying to be funny, this truly scares me and no one can understand. Seizures are on my mind, although I am better, it is hard work to shuffle those feelings and the weird sensations and pains of daily RA living and very hard to distinguish the difference between the two. Doctors can't even accomplish that feat.
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| My trumpet tree in NOLA |
All I see are these four walls, except for trips to doctors, watching movies and computer time.
I will continue this and probably revise it. I was just trying to get this on paper to help myself.
Revision....now added an anti-seizure drug with Ativan and the seem to be working for me. Feel better and not crying with every thought. Day by day anxiously awaiting the birth of my grandson. I am truly proud of myself because since I began writing this post, I actually travelled to Birmingham for our daughter's baby shower. To those of you who have never experienced anxiety attacks, this sounds ridiculous, but it is truly real. I hope my ramblings will help someone who has experienced panic, anxiety or trauma. It's hard to be alone.
I have been writing this for several months, so pardon the fact that it is choppy, but it helps me to see how much better I am and hopefully will progress in the months to come.
(Nola girl - sold - by: Johnel)
More info on ANXIETY
http://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/attacks
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anxiety_disorder
The right way to begin your day with a chronic illness.
http://fibro.tv/newsblogs/20-how-to-have-a-bad-day-gracefully-and-avoid-guilt-with-chronic-illness
