Heart of Dixie...a little broken

Saturday, February 9, 2019

“Yellow Hammer” by: Johnel

So much on my mind these days. My health is always on my mind (one of my favorite Willie Nelson songs). RA causes so many shitty things to happen to your body; it’s like an unwanted surprise every day.

In the last year I have found a new friend that transports me from the RA War to a designated safe, happy place. Feel like I have new friends from all over the world who enjoy art as much as I. There are some fabulous artists who share their knowledge free of charge on UTube and for that I am tremendously grateful.

Check our some of these wonderful channels and learn to draw, paint and escape to a world of extreme joy:

Karen Campbell (must say she can teach anyone to draw a face and gives her all to her UTube followers. Karen is one of the few who now has a Patreon following but did not leave the followers on UTube by the wayside. Thank you.). (Before I get comments about me dissing Patreon, I have nothing against it, artists need to make money. I’m just saying, remember your UTube followers because that’s how you became popular in the first place. So throw a few instructional videos our way just for old times’ sake!)
Dina Wakley (her videos on drawing faces were the first ones I watched. She makes you want to try!)
Jeanne Oliver (mostly on line classes)
Pamela Gilespie
Alyona’s Watercolor
Sketchbook Skool
Danny Gregory (love to watch him sketch and love his blog)
Jenny Manno -great work
Katerina Ewing - meditation and art
MitziB- fun, loose watercolor
James Luke Burke - fun
Sin Lim -beautiful work
Dyan Reaveley (great supplies)
Amber Button
Art by N Collins
Artistsnetwork
By Bun
Danielle Mack (mostly on line classes)
Ivy Newport (mostly on line classes)
Jane Davenport (beautiful supplies)
Jenny Manno (love her work)
Juan Biagioni
Kara Bullock
Kateri Ewing
Michelle Krahl
Mindy Lacefield
Pam Carriker
Toni Burt (on line classes)

and so many more. If you would like to be added to the list, just let me know. If you want to learn a skill that makes you feel better, pop onto UTube. It’s free and very entertaining.

Last lesson from #100funfabfaces by Karen Campbell: Totally free class every Friday morning. Karen is a wonderful teacher who shares her talent unselfishly while taking care of a household and husband and her boys. Cudos to her!

By: Johnel. Watercolor. Below was our Study and inspiration for a 3/4 face.

Thursday, January 31, 2019

Let’s skip a few years and get down to drawing and painting again. I’ve discovered it’s time to come out of hiding and re-emerge. Maybe still being a little broken because of this hideous disease that plagued me called Rheumatoid Arthritis is okay if I don’t let it control my life.

So that said, let’s paint. Several years have gone by and during that time I suffered a TIA and two seizures. That was some scary stuff. It has taken a long time to pull my mind away from that episode and stop being scared every minute that maybe it will happen again. I can’t live like that. So I pulled out my paints and decided I could begin again.

In art journal

So if you feel as I did for health or other reasons, let’s get off our butts and show ourselves we are still in there somewhere!

75.00 plus shipping 10 x 15” watercolor on paper

75.00 mixed media on canvas board 12 x 16”

75.00 plus shipping watercolor on paper 11 1/2 x 17”

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Friends needed ? Get a Movie !

This was written several months ago, but I decided to publish it anyway. Feeling much better now but still wanted to share some of my favorite movies. I truly do believe that a good movie can be most gratifying no matter your state of mind.

Since I was hospitalized the first time in September, 2014, I have been a home body, recluse, invalid, self-pitying imbecile, pathetic excuse for a person and other descriptive adjectives that make up a complex lump of lard disguising myself as a couch potato.

My new friends consist of The Kardashians, The Jenners, all the housewives of New Jersey, Beverly Hills, Orange County, Melbourne and New York City and let's not leave out The Royals and The Ladies of London or Arranged and last but not least, Below Deck when it comes to trashy programming. Sorry, but the other housewife shows are even too trashy for me and I can't stomach watching them.

Of course, all of my closest friends Lauren Bacall, Katharine Hepburn, Elvis, Cher, Gene Tierney, Maggie Smith, Robert Young, Bogie, Hugh Grant, Julia Roberts, Kate Capshaw, Goldie Hawn, Kate Hudson, Walter Pidgeon, Clint Eastwood, Robert Redford, Meryl Streep, Diane Keaton, Alfre Woodard, Paul Newman, Joanne Woodward, Sally Field, Greer Garson, Grace Kelly, Jimmy Stewart, Judi Dench, Anthony Hopkins, Alec Baldwin, Liz Taylor, Richard Burton, Montgomery Clift, Jane Fonda, Spencer Tracey, Henry Fonda, Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, Bette Davis, Olivia deHavilland, , Juliette Binoche, Johnny Depp, Aaron Eckhart, Diane Lane, John Kusack, Anne Hathaway, Whoopi Goldberg, Lana Turner, Mary Steenburgen, Sandra Bullock, Shirley MacLaine, Olympia Dukakis, Vivien Leigh, Clark Gable, Hattie McDaniel, Robert De Niro, Morgan Freeman, Jack Nicholson, Dennis Quaid, Steve Martin, Michelle Pfeiffer, Ashley Judd, Susan Sarandon, Jessica Lange, Michael Douglas, Maureen O'Hara, Robin Williams, Brad Pitt, Angelina, Jolie, Cate Blanchett, Gregory Peck, Anne Bancroft, Cary Grant, Robert Mitchum, John Wayne, Marilyn Monroe, Kathleen Turner, Lee Rimick, Ryan O'Neal, Candace Bergen, Doris Day, , Rock Hudson, Al Pacino, Audrey Hepburn, Rita Hayworth, Gene Kelly, Ann-Margret, Myrna Loy, Joan Crawford, Claudette Colbert, Joseph Cotten, Ida Lupino, Jane Wyman, Barbara Stanwyck, Ginger Rogers, Lucille Ball, Mary Astor, Cicely Tyson, Sydney Poitier, Nicolas Cage, Janet Leigh, Angela Bassett, Richard Gere, Loretta Young, Robert Duvall, Omar Sharif, Robert Wagner, Natalie Wood, Shelly Winters, Faye Dunaway, James Mason, Sean Connery, Kathy Bates, Kevin Kline, Keanu Reeves, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Vincent Price, Stanley Tucci, Sam Elliott, Winona Ryder, Sissy Spacek, tend to keep me company at all times.

Really good, old friends are my movies. How I love movies, some refer to as films, but in my world they are simply movies and movie stars. Movie stars, those friends we have had for years. We began
our friendships with movie stars on Saturday mornings at the local movie theater. Watching these
glorious people glide across the screen in a gorgeous gown designed by Edith Head or Walter Plunkett transported us into worlds that seemed a million miles away. The beautiful set decorations of fabulous artwork, lavish lamps, plush furnishings, floor to ceiling windows, exotic woodwork, grandiose upholstery smokey bars, jeweled cigarette holders, and mood lighting cannot be duplicated today.

For a person dealing with depression, these movies are a relaxing, glorious way to bring solace and comfort into my life.

I began making a list as I watched movies. I didn't make a note of the movie if I hated it, so take your pick and enjoy.

JOHNEL'S MOVIE LIST:

No Way Out, Poitier and Widmark
Passion Fruit, Alfre Woodard
A Walk on the Moon, Diane Lane
It's Complicated, Meryl Streep
Marnie, Sean Connery, Hedren
Life as we Know It, Heigl
Unfaithful, Gere, Lane
Dolores Claiborne, Bates
The Prince of Tides, Barbra Streisand
Sweet November, Theron, Reeves
Friends with Money,Anniston
Mumford, Alfre Woodard
Gran Torino, Clint Eastwood
Crooklyn, Woodard
Two weeks Notice, Bullock, Grant
Everybody's Fine, Dinero
The Bishop's Wife, Grant, Young
Greenfingers, Owen, Mirren
The Breakfast Club, Ringwald
House of Versace, Loren
Cape Fear, Dinero, Lange, Mitchum
Moonstruck, Cher
Mask, Cher
The wishing Tree, Alfre Woodard
Baby Boom, Diane Keaton
Conrack, Jon Voight
Mildred Pierce, Joan Crawford
Raintree County, Clift, Taylor
Mona Lisa Smile, Julia Roberts
Julie and Julia, Streep
An Unfinished Life, Redford, Lopez
No Reservations, Catherine Zeta-Jones
My Girl, Akroid
Mystic Pizza, Roberts
The Horse Whisperer, Redford
Hush, Lange, Paltrow
Bedtime Story, Loretta Young
Unforgiven, Eastwood, Hackman
All Mine to Give, Glynis Johns, 1957, circa 1865 Wisconsin frontier
Don't Bother to Knock, Monroe, Widmark
Remember the Night, Stanwyk

Thursday, February 26, 2015

When #Anxiety hits and takes control over your life...

My first experience with panic and anxiety was at the age of 19.   I lost my 16 year old cousin who was my best friend from an aneurysm.   For years I couldn't visit hospitals and I worried about the same thing happening to me and this on top of grief was awful.

The attacks diminished for a period of years from age 25 to early 30's.   The spring and summer of 1987 was the worst and best times of my life.   My mother died in May, my 3rd child was born in August and my grandmother died in September.    So through grief and happiness in November, I was home with the baby and we had a tornado warning, which in Alabama, is not unusual and I have always been extremely terrified of these storms.    Just how scared was I ....if I heard there were Tornadoes in Mississippi, I was already afraid in Alabama a day or two before. That afternoon before my other two children were home from school, a tree was blown onto our driveway in a severe storm.   Within a few days the panic attacks returned.

I read various articles at that time and I learned that recurring attacks come from association. I also went to a doctor who actually listened and discovered that I had thyroid issues and finally got relief from major panic attacks. The association made sense to me because if I had a panic attack in a certain place, IE., restaurant, certain road, hospital and I returned to those places, I would have an attack.

My reason for bringing this up is I have begun with panic and anxiety attacks again, following a stay in the hospital in September 2014 where I experienced seizures. They ran so many tests and never came up with a reason why this happened.    I fell in the hospital when I had the first seizure and had a compound fracture of T8 and was put in a brace.   That has healed, but the panic is worse.   I'm so afraid this will happen again.    Also, I have Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) which only exacerbates all symptoms.

I don't like to talk on phone anymore, because one of the symptoms I had before seizure happened was speaking problem and my right arm went limp.    So RA symptoms just become hard to realize they are not seizure symptoms. I cry a lot and hate the fact that my husband and granddaughter have to look after me so much. I am such a burden.

I get tingling in my arms and fingers and in my tongue and that makes we worry about what is going to happen....is it an RA symptom or seizure. When I'm alone it is much worse because I am so scared.

I have isolated myself from my friends because I don't want to burden them and they are all scattered
across the country.   I can't travel to see them and it's hard for them to get away from their families, so
I just wallow in silence and self pity.   I wish I could just go to a coffee shop, take my crocheting or
my ipad and enjoy myself, but I can't.   I am now using a walker and I'm so scared of a seizure, I can't function.

My doctor has prescribed another medication for anxiety and I haven't started taking it yet because I am so scared of how I will react to it.   I am on Ativan now which seems to help some. He has tried me on a couple meds in the past few months and they made me feel funny so I quit taking them. I was actually waiting to take this new one after I have an appointment with a Psychologist and finding out if my insurance will pay for it.

All about me...

When you are reading a really good book and you have 3 pages left and you get that glorious feeling for the great ending of the book....then all of a sudden a cringe and a sinking spell...oh no what will I read now?

Life is like reading a good book. When you experience an incident that you feel is life threatening and you are so scared, it really IS all about me.

Listen to the song of life...Katharine Hepburn

Katharine Hepburn was such a strong woman and it didn't happen to her overnight. Her parents were her influence, her father a doctor and her mother an early supporter of women's suffrage and Kate discovering her brother's body after he committed suicide. (Her parents denied it was suicide and claimed it was an experiment gone wrong.). She had a long, successful life and seemed to have a wonderful attitude. Now of course I didn't know the lady, but that's my opinion and I do have a lot of those.

My point to this burst of blubbering is, it IS about ME. Since my trip to the hospital in September 2014 and hospitalization, I have experienced the worst round of anxiety ever. I guess because of the nature of having seizures, which I have never had and they scared me so badly, I just can't stop
thinking about having more.

Because of the seizure, I fell in the hospital and had a compression fracture in my back and wore a
brace for two months. I gained 25 lbs on top of that so I was a total sobbing glob. My primary care doctor has tried several anti depressants that just made me have the shakes, so I won't take them. He put me on Ativan and it has helped a lot. He also sent me to a Psycologist and she has been wonderful. I still don't get out much, but I'm not using the walker right now and RA is always with me, so I'm still a work in progress. My Rheumatologist put me on an anti seizure drug and I am scared of taking drugs which really sucks because of all RA mess I take already.

I still cry and feel sorry for myself because I feel like I lost so much of the old me. Pain and Prednisone don't make a nice person. Not a good combo, but I have to live with it. I must say that I have the best husband in the world. I don't know how he stands me most days, but we still laugh and that counts for a lot. He definitely has an express pass to Heaven.

Next, kudos to my precious oldest grandchild. She has lived with us for the last three years and has been a blessing. Not only is she beautiful inside and out, she has the biggest heart. She has taken care of me, which I am so grateful to her for and we always laugh.

Now it's Liz's turn. You are my precious baby girl. You have shown what you are made of in all of life's trials and tribulations and have handled more than your share. We laugh together, play together, fix everything together, watch all the trash TV shows together, love each other more, get mad together, yell together, cry together, eat together, fuss together, shop together, and create together. She is pregnant with her first baby and I am so excited. She will be a terrific mother, much better than I.

This all brings me back to ME. I want to be there for her and I'm so scared about traveling to Texas.
I mean let's face it, it's hard to leave my house to go to the doctor. I'm not trying to be funny, this truly scares me and no one can understand. Seizures are on my mind, although I am better, it is hard work to shuffle those feelings and the weird sensations and pains of daily RA living and very hard to distinguish the difference between the two. Doctors can't even accomplish that feat.

My trumpet tree in NOLA

All I see are these four walls, except for trips to doctors, watching movies and computer time.

I will continue this and probably revise it. I was just trying to get this on paper to help myself.

Revision....now added an anti-seizure drug with Ativan and the seem to be working for me. Feel better and not crying with every thought. Day by day anxiously awaiting the birth of my grandson. I am truly proud of myself because since I began writing this post, I actually travelled to Birmingham for our daughter's baby shower. To those of you who have never experienced anxiety attacks, this sounds ridiculous, but it is truly real. I hope my ramblings will help someone who has experienced panic, anxiety or trauma. It's hard to be alone.

I have been writing this for several months, so pardon the fact that it is choppy, but it helps me to see how much better I am and hopefully will progress in the months to come.